My turn yet?

As those around me are coupled up, de-coupled, re-coupled, engaged, married, divorced and remarried, I wonder, is it my turn yet?

I sometimes feel as if I'm forever on the sidelines of the of life changing heart bursts and heart breaks. My friends and associates seem to easily make these love connections yet I remain singularly single.

Heart Bursting 

Heart Breaking

There are many reasons for this. 

Firstly, I had to learn to pick better men, not just better men but better men for me. I bought into the fallacy that I should give a good man a try but that doesn't always work if 1). there is no chemistry and 2) beyond the surface similarities you don't have shared goals or aspirations.

Secondly, and this is something I still struggle with, learning to let go. Sometimes it's easy to let go of the man but not of the dream that relationship represented. The fairy tale built up in your head of happily ever after. My last relationship was particularly difficult because the man talked about babies to me. Yes, babies before I even said I wanted babies! How did he know? In addition to accepting me in all my craziness he talked about us making beautiful babies together. After that I was gone, he had be hook, line and sinker. So when he realized it was all too much for him that I "didn't need him" and turned and ran, I was still caught up in the fantasy of us. Of me and him and our beautiful babies, of a little girl with curls & determination like me and green eyes like him and a little boy with his smile & smarts and my sense of adventure . Even now some years down the road, the death of that dream make me sad just a teensy weensy bit.

Thirdly, sitting at home isn't going to work if I hope to meet my mate. I should be out there meeting people and internet dating. But I need to give myself a break. I am in transition, left my old occupation (OORAH), moved across country and am planning to move out of the country for graduate school. My life is in flux and as a result, I feel off kilter and not able to bring much to the table. Yes, I know that is crazy talk right there, but changing the old way of thinking (bringing the same assets to the table as a man) will take some time. In the mean time dating is just not something I am comfortable doing.

So for now I will focus on the most important goal, getting into graduate school. Attend to one big thing at a time. And when the I'm so lonesome blues hit, ...

as they will, especially, when I hear about another person I know being "booed-up", I will remember that there is a time for everything and season for every activity (Eccl. 3). In due time my Boaz will come and we will travel the world serving humanity and enjoying God's creation.

Lady LittleFoot

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ~ Eccl 3:1

Random thoughts

On this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I think it's time for reflecting and recollecting.

Saturday morning I left dreary Florida on a JetBlue jet plane to the city that never sleeps. I arrived in sunny Queens, NY with no pick arranged. So I did what all intrepid travelers do. I took the train. I came of age in Brooklyn and when I had to take the rare plane trip we went to the airport by car. But when I started traveling I would fly into say London Heathrow and get on the Underground so not ride on Saturday didn't phase me. I hopped on the AirTrain to the subway and boy was it an adventure.

I am in New York for a month so I had a checked suitcase along with a carry-on, yet my mothers questioned the sufficiency of my packing. Then again, when she travels she has different shoes for her outfits. Madness I tell you.

On this trip back to my home city I discovered that neither chivalry or courtesy is dead. I had 3 offers to help me with my two bags up some stairs. I was too happy to let the gentlemen heft my luggage up the short flight of stairs. It warmed the cockles of my heart and shored up my faith that there are men out their who have not forgotten the lessons taught to them in their infancy and childhood.

Every time I come back "home" I am always reassured that I love this great city. So much to see and do here. And the energy is awesome but I am also reminded of why this city will not be my home . The mass of people and the frenetic pace is best left to those who enjoy that madness.

My short jaunt along the East coast has reminded me that I need to look at my short list of places I'd like to see  and start planning my adventures soon. But first the graduate school application that always seem to get pushed to the sidelines in favor of other tasks.

Today was a lovely day and it was spent well, resting, enjoying the sunshine and not worrying about anything. Tomorrow business will be handled come hell or high water (hopefully neither to those occur).

Lady LittleFoot

Procrastination

Several millennia ago the church decreed that there were seven deadly sins. For the convoluted history of how this came to be start with Wikipedia and make use of its notes and references for an in depth study. The vices they settled on as the seven deadliest things one could hold in one's being were, Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, & Sloth. But I think the good men of the church missed one. Procrastination. 

Now I know that one does not die from "putting off for tomorrow what can be down today." However, the consequences delayed action could vary well lead to death of one sort or another. Death of an opportunity. Death of a goal. Death of aspirations and dreams. Which could very well lead to the death of one's spirit. I say, procrastination should be considered one of the seven deadly sins if only because it will contribute to the death of my spirit.

The 7 Deadly Sins page on sloth defines it as "the avoidance of physical or spiritual work. But I don't this really covers procrastination as it's neither physical labor or spiritual pursuits that I am assiduously avoiding. I know what it is I have to do and I usual have a plan to accomplish it but I get to the task and put in off in favor or something more engaging or that doesn't require me to make decisions. So is this sinful or just plain ole laziness?

I don't know for sure. But what I do know for certain is,  this habitual procrastination has to go away. Where you ask, well, in the words of the Egyptian Soldier in 10 Commandments (one of my favorite movies EVER!) "to hell I hope," or Hades or Sheol or somewhere equally far and dastardly sounding. While it makes it's way there, I resolve to complete one thing tonight that I have put off for another day. Review and edit an essay to attach to grad school application. Or else my dream of grad school abroad will die in my mind.

Lady LittleFoot

Grey

All around me was grey. The morning was suffused with grey light that seemed to penetrate my skull and suffuse my grey matter with more grey.

Yesterday, my brain was clouded with so many things that I was certain that I was going to be have an inordinate amount to things to reflect and write about, but alas it wasn't meant to be.

Every idea floated about like the cirrus clouds on a warm summer day. Just right at the edge of the consciousness and then puff gone never to return.

I'd be in the middle of one task and thinking about the next and then I'd sit down and all those lovely thoughts became gossamer threads, ripped away and tossed to the floor.

South Florida's mercurial weather was in lock step with my brain today. Cloudy and grey with sudden deluges that came and went as quick as lightening.

The dark clouds rolled and and took up residence and nothing I did helped to get my mind back on track to do they things I had planned for the day.

Ice cream cones and cups of tea did nothing to chase the grey away but one thought that came to was that "grey skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face." Of course I went to YouTube to listen to "Put on a Happy Face" and the old music did make me smile and put on a happy face. I'm just hoping come tomorrow these grey clouds will be blown away by a fresh wind.

As I said in New Day, New Dawn I won't beat myself up, I will just be satisfied with the small victories. I picked up the little cousin from school, and gave them back to the parent in once piece. And I found and booked a flight to NYC to take care of some business.

I pray that the clouds will be less dense and  I will see more of the sky and will not have to just put on happy face.

Lady LittleFoot

Free Frommer's Guide!

I have wanderlust but not a deep enough pocket to go hieing off to parts unknown as often as I would like. So, whenever I see something travel related for free I am all over it like white on rice!


Here is one such freebie. Frommer's travel is offering 10 free guidebooks on England through Oneika Raymond's, traveler extraordinaire's website. Take a peak and throw your hat in the ring to win one of these. 


May the most rabid travelers win! 


Lady LittleFoot


 The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page. ~ St. Augustine

New Day, New Dawn

16 March 2007 Camp Al Taqqudam, Al Anbar, Iraq 

A cold late winter Iraqi morning with the sun coming over the shipping containers, that is what you are looking at. So many clouds, that the sun is almost obscured. Almost, but not quite. The sun, that big fiery ball millions of miles away, that orders our days still manages to peak through the water drops suspended in the sky.


That was 5 years ago and I've been more places since and seen many other sun rises and sunsets, each more beautiful than the next. And this one still stays with me. We'd only been in country 2 months and the initial 30 days of madness was slowly dying down and we were getting into a routine. I walked to the chow hall every morning after working out. In the beginning, I always had my camera in addition to my M16 with 30 round magazine strapped to the butt stock (rules are rules). There were many beautiful skies over the Al Anbar province both night and day. The stars were so close and the moon and sun were big chunks of opal and citrine in the sky. But these sunrises, with the sun playing hide and seek with the clouds have always stayed with me.


And now I know why. 


It is to remind me that no matter how  many clouds may come my way there will always be a big ball of fire ready to burn them away. Now what that ball of fire is made of and where it will come come is a different story, one that I continue to ponder on and explore.


But this is a new dawn and I will seize this new day and rather than make something grand, I will accomplish one small thing. Even, just this small recollection of a beautiful sunrise and what it means to me. 


Lady LittleFoot 


For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. ~ 2Tim 1:7

Introspection


Introspection can be good for the soul but hell on the to do list, because while you are lost in pondering the mysteries of the universe and the inner workings of you clogged brain, deadlines come and go, important emails are missed and connections slip by with nary a flicker of your eye. 


So today (15 May 2012) I have decided to give myself a bit of an accountability partner by actually blogging. This may seem trivial to most but as those nearest to be can tell you I am a hard nut to crack, a private person who share only the surface with the world. An introspective wanderer and deep thinker I sometimes get lost in my own mind and neglect to take action on important things. In my mind blogging is about sharing yourself with potentially the whole world, and I have an aversion to putting myself out there a la Carrie Bradshaw on a city bus. But I need to get out of my own head and  into the world more. 


So today is my first post. Bear with me if I ramble and take the long winding path to an unclear destination. The journey is more important than the destination and my destination is vary hazy at the moment. I can see some stops along the way (such as grad school, couple hood, mommy-dom, world traveler) but the final destination and even some of these stops on the life train is not clear and frankly that scares me. 

It scares me like jumping off a 10 foot platform into the deep end of the pool. No matter how much I know that I will come right back up or that there are several life guards who are there to make sure I do I cannot take that first step forward. In training they tell you "look up, look down, look to the horizon and take a step," and I never do until they tell me I have 30 seconds or I will not qualify for Combat Water Survival then I come off the platform like a demented flying squirrel. 


That is how it all feels to me I am anxiously waiting for someone to count me down to failure before I take a step and I need to change that. It is no way to enjoy life journey always living in fear. So today I am looking up and down and at the horizon and taking a giant step for myself.


Hope you stay with me for the journey and chime in with your experiences.


Lady LittleFoot


For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. ~ 2Tim 1:7 (NKJV)